The internet is effin crazy. You never know who may end up stumbing upon your mundane thoughts. I'll spare anyone who may read this from yet another post on the same ol topic I've been writing about here for almost two years. It's not even as if I could write about it anyhow. I have definitely transitioned out of the grief. The process of grief is such a uniquely powerful experience. When it lifts, there is a rebirth of sorts. A purification of who you once were and the person you are now. Some people take it and are able to use it as a way to better themselves. I've hoped and prayed that I would find my way through the fog and into a purer mindset. And I believe it has happened. Just having the openness to meet new people is a huge statement to where I am today. I've met so many beautiful people in the last few months. For lack of transition I will just say that I feel as if I have seen the sky for the first time. And the ocean. Combined. It's as if the beauty of the ocean and sky were fused together and I am sitting on the sand, jaw dropped, in awe. The way it flows in and out of my life everyday is absolutely enchanting. It crashes down with such force I can do nothing but take cover and look forward to the next time it comes my way.

I think it's time for me to start writing again. At the request of someone special I think its time. The act of writing everything down from day 1 until now was and continues to be cathartic. It started with the hope that somehow through writing I would be able to come to some conclusion as to the reason why this had to happen. I thought that perhaps the more I rehashed everything, the more I battled through the pain with words I would come to an end point when I would say 'ah yes, this is why'. I am probably further from that than when I started all of this. She is so far away now. I think of it almost like a never ending river. I picture this meandering river, flowing back and forth. She just keeps floating down this river, continually moving. For a long time I imagined myself jumping in and swimming towards her. I had so many dreams in which I chased after her, whether it be through the whimsical world my mind created, or simply through an airport terminal. I've stopped chasing her though. I've let her continue on her path, alone, and given in to the fact that I can not possibly keep running her down. I am living my life on my own, allowing her to continue on without me. I have finally accepted the fact that I must live on without her. I now go through life with the understanding that she is constantly with me. I am here today for her. I am living life to the fullest. For her. It's such a cliche, but its only cliche when you don't fully understand its importance. I will be forever grateful to her for putting me through this. Just writing that makes me feel ridiculous. But its true. Oh, of course I would give anything to have one more moment with her. I'd give anything to have her smile at me one more time, or to feel her lips on mine again. But that isn't how this works. She was an angel that came into my life and the gifts she gave me will never truly be able to be put into words.