I grasp to remember everything possible about her so that I can write it down and never forget. I am so afraid that I will lose memories over time that I have been feverishly writing every possible moment I had with her. The way her nostrils would flare when she spoke....seeing her drive away in the prius cab and giving me a peace sign....hearing her whistle to me when she was downstairs so that I could come and let her in....exploring and walking through the entire city.....walking down the steps in work and seeing her sitting there drinking a shirley temple, waiting for me to get off work....hearing her call me 'honeypie'. It is an endless stream of memories that fill my head all day long. I can not believe that this is reality. It seems as if it was yesterday that we were waking up on saturday mornings to go walk to breakfast and to the farmers market. I don't know what I will do now. The reality that many live with is a lie. The reality of this world is cruel and cold.

Still waiting.

28 days and she is still not back yet. It is hard to grasp the reality of this situation. It is even harder to remove myself from everyday life, let alone enjoy any little pleasure from time to time. With each passing day, I can not figure out whether I am feeling better or worse. I guess that is only natural, and that the grief and pain with this will go in waves and ebb and flow like an ocean tide. Many times, you hear people say that when something bad has happened, the best part of their day is when they first wake up because they have a split second when their mind has not reminded them yet of that tragedy. I have had a recurring dream lately, which is absolutely exhausting. I wake up every morning in tears. I truly wish I had that split second every morning of a blank mind.

The month of July was a very difficult one for me. And right as I was beginning to see myself coming out of that trench a grenade was thrown and I ended up even deeper. The month of august has been insanely difficult. I am now completely out of Santa Barbara, which causes a bit of anxiety on top of everything else I have been working through in my head. I moved into my house on July 1st, and from that point until now, August 22nd, I have felt cold and distant from a lot of things.....I have heard that it is possible that Meliss will be moved to UCLA very soon, which is great news. I believe in her strength and resilience.

all things must pass

Such a simple collection of words, yet so powerful. All things must pass. I am waiting and praying that this time for meliss will indeed pass soon and that she will be back to her wonderful self once again. Watching Rush Hour 3 in SB with my brother and dmoney I got a call from Delaun and immediately ran outside to hear the wonderful news that some sort of brain scan showed that there was very minimal brain damage. Just writing those words are scary but if brain damage is a given, thank god it is something that she can live with, such as short term memory loss and potentially some motor skils. It is now coming up on the 17th day that she has been in the hospital, something that is still so surreal to me and a situation that becomes longer and longer with each passing minute. I can feel a change for the better coming though, and I know you will be alright.

"Sunrise doesn't last all morning,
A cloud burst doesn't last all day"

You would think that with the endless amount of thoughts streaming through my head I would have something to write about today. But not right now.




This weighs on me
As heavy as stone and as blue as I go
I was just wondering if you'd come along
To hold up my head when my head won't hold on
I'll do the same if the same's what you want

Not a moment goes by each day that I am not thinking about meliss. I miss her so much, and although I try my hardest to stay positive, it is so fucking hard. I just keep praying and praying that the doctors are able to get the right cocktail of meds to control the seizures that she continually has as they bring her off the sedatives. I am praying for her to be calm. I wonder how people can tell me to "take care of yourself," as they continue to live life as if the world is not darker and that much more drab because of this situation. To me, the world has not seen light in 12 days.

I feel so weak and I am so ashamed that I do not have the faith that many people have inside of them.

the self-destructive nature of drinking alcohol to cope is one that I have been accustomed to all to well the last few days. I understand the many different reasons why it is simply a bad idea however I don't even try to care. She started seizing again and that just means that we need to pray harder and pray more for her. I have never been religious, but I am a believer and she is in the hands of a greater being. She is resting and will be ok soon but I miss her and I am so worried.

back in sb

It definitely helped to get good news as I left SF yesterday. One of the problems has been that she keeps going into seizure every time they take her off the sedatives, however yesterday she did not and is showing progress towards a much greater stability. Although this is just a baby step towards recovery, it is a very important first step. Between the strength in her body and mind, to the power of everyone's prayers and thoughts, I know that she will make it through this.



You are like a buttefly,
A caterpillars dream to fly,
Bust out of this old cocoon
And dry your wings off...butterfly.
Go ahead, and fly.

to: my meliss

It is saturday at 3:30, and I have been in San Francisco since tuesday waiting for you to get better. I know you may not be able to read this anytime soon but I just wanted to tell you how much I love you. You know I fell in love with you the moment I saw you on the train, and my love has never faltered. I spent my life, from the moment we were together, trying to make sure I was always there for you. I learned so much about you, and so much from you, that I don't know if I will ever be able to move on and live without you. You were the greatest friend I could ever have asked for, and you were so many more things as well. You were my confidant and lover on top of simply being, in my eyes, my soulmate. I know you may have had other ideas about that last one, but this is just me telling you how I have felt for about 3 years. I have not spent 1 minute the last 5 days focused on anything but you, for I feel like every ounce of energy and positive thinking must be spent thinking and praying for you. I know you can make it through this meliss, I have faith that you can get through this event and will be stronger for it. I miss the days of walking to the farmers market to get asparagus, artichokes and flowers with the occasional avocado thrown into our canvas bag. I miss sitting on the bed with you and watching tv, or simply talking to you and listening to you speak about your day. I miss waking up next to you every morning and watching you sleep. I know it sounds creepy but you always had the sweetest look on your face when you were sleeping. I miss going out to eat with you, and analyzing everything about the particular restaurant, from the lighting to the attire of the wait staff. You had such a unique way of expressing your thoughts. Your mannerisms were things of beauty. The way you spoke with your hands to the way your perfect little nose would flare a little everytime you spoke. Your laugh warmed my apartment so perfectly that I thought of ways to crack you up constantly just so I could hear it. You are the strongest and most dedicated person I know. You will make it through this time meliss. You have to make it. You are the greatest thing in the world my love. I am always thinking of you. I will see you soon. I will never stop loving you.

-al