I stopped writing here, and it has to be because everytime I come to this site, it brings up so many feelings from the past 6 months that I am trying to ignore. It reminds me of the tears that would pour out of me as I sat and typed. Words that were true to how I felt at that moment. I met a girl tonight. We were at Arsenal, on Pico. She is cute, her style is of my liking. Our conversation started off quite well. A little chit, a little chat. The conversation ended when this occurred. (see below).

me: Oh, by the way, my name is Alejandro, I don't think I introduced myself.
her: It's ok....My name is Melissa.

I'm going to sleep now.

It is after 4 am on jan 15th 2008. She’s dead. On September 23rd 2007 she died. I still sit awake at night saying that over and over, in disbelief. I am forgetting things about her now, and pound my head with my hand in disgust. For thinking about something other than her, I sob. Tears run down my face like raindrops flowing down the windshield of a car. It is uncontrollable. I hate myself for not treating her like I should have at times. The guilt overwhelms my body and seeps from my pores. How do I tell her I am sorry. I am so sorry. Words cannot explain, do justice, or even remotely illuminate how sorry I am. I love you.

I am driving to Santa Barbara this afternoon.  Just thinking about being there is making me cry, but I need to do it.  The farmers market is today, it seems like its been years since we walked down garden st, over to state and 4 blocks down to get vegetables, cilantro, and flowers.  She always held the bag of cilantro separately so she could smell it on our way home. 

 I hope I am strong enough to do this.