I would like to take some time to discuss one of my favorite movies of all time, the African Queen.  Starring Humphrey Bogart and Katharine Hepburn, directed by  Jon Huston.  The man who also brought us Key Largo, the Treasure of Sierra Madre, and the Maltese Falcon.  All of which starred Bogart, however I find that the African Queen could quite possibly be the best of them all.  The artistry between Bogart and Hepburn, coinciding with the absolute impeccable direction from Huston provides us with classic themes of cinema, exploring both love and war.  I mean, how is it possible for one man to direct all of these films.  Are you kidding me?  Huston directed some of the most important american films ever.   As for the African Queen, you really cannot go wrong with Bogart and Hepburn.  I like how Bogart is reduced to this dirty, crude captain of a ship, something that we didn't see very often in any of his films.  On top of the connection between the two main characters, and watching them go from loathing one another to a gradual love, the Film was shot on location in Uganda and the Congo.   This was 1952, and to imagine how difficult it must have been to shoot on location during that time, let alone create such a masterpiece, is simply unfathomable.  If you haven't seen it in a while, or simply have not seen it at all, I implore you sit and watch this film.  When it is over, you will want to start the DVD over and watch it again.

El Dia de Los Muertos is right around the corner, and even though today is Halloween, or "Dia de Las Brujas," here in Mexico, everyone is preparing for the 2nd of November. I can already tell that it is quite the celebration and I'm looking forward to this experience.  I haven't decided whether or not I will create an altar, I just don't know. I leave you with the elements of a traditional altar, should you decide to create one.  Courtesy of La Atencion.  

• A photo of the deceased being honored to invite a visitation on Nov. 2nd.
• A small cross made of ash wood to release the soul from purgatory if it is there.
• A large cross made of ash wood so the soul can expiate its guilt.
• Purple flowers and papel picado, which represent mourning.
• Sugar skulls, representing death, which is always present.
• Four candles forming a cross represent the four cardinal points, so that the soul can find its way home.
• Water so the soul can drink after its long journey.
• Copal cleanses the site of evil spirits so the soul can return home safely.
• Food satisfies the soul so that it will return again.
• Margiolds lead the soul to the altar and symbolize the continuity of life.
• Salt represents the basic elements to which we all return some day.
• Candles light the soul's way home.
• Blankets protect the soul from the cold.

I left out one element of the altar, and that is tequila, so that the soul can remember the good times however if I decide to make an altar I am leaving out the alcohol.  The soul can remember good times another way.

I wrote about a dream I had, one that was so real in my mind that when I awoke it seemed to be as real as anything else I had experienced in my life. I had yet another dream last night, however this one was a bit different. I walked down the steps of Melissa's house and into the kitchen, where Meliss was standing with her back turned to me, on the phone. I walked up to her and I heard her say "I have to go." I gave her a hug while she was turned away from me, and as she turned I noticed that she was crying. She turned to me and said "al, im so sorry." We hugged and held each other tightly and cried for what seemed like eternity, and she kept repeating to me "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry." When I asked her why, she said "i don't know, I am just so sorry." The last thing I can remember her saying to me was, "I am the wrong ghost in your dreams." I woke up in the middle of the night, and noticed that my cheeks were wet and pillow soaked with tears.

If She Wants Me

I wrote a letter on a nothing day,
I asked somebody, “Could you send my letter away?”
“You are too young to put all of your hopes in just one envelope”
I said goodbye to someone that I love

It’s not just me, I tell you it’s the both of us
And it was hard
Like coming off the pills that you take to stay happy
Someone above has seen me do all right
Someone above is looking with a tender eye
Upon her face, you may think you’re alone but you may think again

If I could do just one near perfect thing I’d be happy
They’d write it on my grave, or when they scattered
my ashes,
On second thoughts I’d rather hang around and be there with my best friend
If she wants me...

And far away somebody read the letter
He condescends to read the words I wrote about him
And if he smiles, it’s no more than a genius deserves
For all his curious nerve and his passion

I’m going deaf, you’re growing melancholy
Things fall apart, I don’t know why we bother at all
But life is good and it’s always worth living
At least for a while

If I could do just one near perfect thing I’d be happy
They’d write it on my grave, or when they scattered
my ashes,
On second thoughts I’d rather hang around and be there with my best friend
If she wants me...
If you think to yourself, “What should I do now?”
Then take the baton, girl, you better run with it
There is no point in standing in the past
Because it’s over and done with

I took a book and went into the forest
I climbed the hill, I wanted to look down on you
But all I saw was twenty miles of wilderness
So I went home...




I absolutely love this song...I think about the lyrics, "on second thought I'd rather hang around and be there with my best friend if she wants me," quite a bit. Sacrificing the chance at greatness for the chance to hang out with your best friend...

I had the most magnificent dream last night, and although I normally do not recall too many of the specifics of my nighttime adventures this one is vivid and simply brilliant in my mind.  It is as if it was not a dream at all but a slightly altered state of reality.  It obviously did not occur in the reality that we live in currently, or at least believe we live in, but the time that I spent with her during this dream was as real to me when I awoke than any afternoon spent with her.  However, is it possible that dreams are in fact as real as the world in which we live?  Salvador Dali wrote that, "One day it will have to be officially admitted that what we have christened reality is an even greater illusion than the world of dreams."  Perhaps the world of dreams is decidedly more real than this illusion of reality.  I'd like to believe that to be true, for every time I dream of  her,  as I did last night, I can tell myself that it was just as true as the physical time spent with her the last three years.   It was just so pure and true to the life we had together.  And it was indeed her, not some shadowy figure labeled in my mind as "melissa."   It was my joyful girl, the same one who said she'd love me forever and said to me that it was necessary for her to fall asleep every night in my arms.  The same joyful girl that walked with her shoulders hunched as high as can be when she was cold, and kept reese's peanut butter cups in her backpack for when she was hungry.  No, she may not be able to fall asleep in my arms, at least not for now, but now when I go to sleep I am able to visit a different plane of existence with her, one that puts a smile on my face when I wake.  

 

With that, I am going to take a nap.

Her Beauty in a Wicked World

I absolutely hate looking on facebook and seeing how some of her "friends," are just so happy and caught up in their own tiny, unimportant little world.  Friends that came to visit her in the hospital on their way to vegas.  Yes.  They stopped by to see her as they were on their way to las vegas.  She was in a hospital bed, in a coma and they came in on their way to vegas.  I just don't understand how some people are so void of decency.  Decency that makes one human.   How are they able to go out and celebrate and have fun after the past three months.  As if she were still alive.  I just think that as much as the whole "she would want you to have fun, and have a life, and move on" rhetoric  is thrown out it is really impossible to do without spending time dealing with, and comprehending the fact that she is gone.  I mean, I still call her phone a few times a day just so I can hear her voice.  I still leave her messages.   The gall of some of her supposed friends, the utter disregard for her.  

My afternoon basking in the hot mexican sun. 

heavy on my mind

Everybody asks me how I'm doing, since she went away...

I say I couldn't tell you I'm ok....I'm ok....

Surprise Surprise.....

I don't know, how are you???

-------

When I asked when I would talk to her next she said to me, "al, please don't make this harder...you know i love you....i'll talk to you when I think I wont cry."   She then gave me the look she always did when she was trying her hardest to hold something in and stay strong and proceeded to walk back inside her house.  I left that day, and for the next week had the worst anxiety I had ever experienced in my life.

I never heard from her....

In my moments of clarity, when looking at the entire chain of events from the time we met to the moment of her death, it occurs to me that she was protecting me.  Perhaps there was some supernatural element to her during that time. 

But then I think that it just sounds too ridiculous to say something like that, and that none of it was meant to happen, and it was just a cruel part of this world.  I have no idea. 

I struggle with these thoughts daily, and hope to one day understand the meaning in all of this. I actually hope to find any meaning whatsoever.  For now, nothing makes sense, and it is all one big mess inside of my mind.....

Come in from the rain for a while.
Everything will be ok
Come in from the pain for a time.
Everything will be ok.
Everything will be ok.
For now,
goodbye,
Friend,
goodbye.

Dear Meliss

This hurts so much.

I miss the way you would hold my hand, in a very specific way.

I miss watching you cross the street, from my window, after you left to go to school and both of us knowing that we would look to each other and wave.

I miss your laugh and the way the pitch would increase.

I miss meeting you at the transit, so we could get lunch.

I miss everything.

I am so sorry.

I love you.

al

I have thought quite a bit lately about Melissa's place in my life and the purpose for the time we had together. I distinctly remember telling her weeks after we met, as we talked on the phone, that I found it hard to believe that our interaction that first night we met was by chance. I told her countless times, during the initial stages of our friendship that I did not know what it was, but that we were meant to meet and to be together. The way we came together was not accidental at all. Both of us missing our train in the afternoon, only to take a later train that night. She was asked to move out of business class and into a different car, for she had only purchased a seat in coach. The fact that I remember the train just being absolutely packed with people. The night before school starts, each and every quarter for ucsb, that surfliner train is always chock full of students. I would always put a notebook and a pen on the seat next to me, as if to indicate that someone was sitting there, as not to be bothered. She sat down right behind me, and I have no idea why I decided to look back and see who it was, as I never cared about who was on the train. It was always a brisk and uneventful trip for me. But I did look back, and from that point on I was smitten with everything and anything having to do with her. It is so difficult to look back on myself saying to her that I did not know why we met, but that there was in fact a reason and that the chain of events that led us together was in fact a gift from a higher power without knowing that this was how it would all end. Is it possible that it is in fact her death that is the gift that she has given me and that is the reason why we met and spent those years together? I honestly have no clue right now, or maybe I am just not ready to accept something such as that, or put my faith in the hands of a greater power that would have led me to this point, and through this pain. I have always had a difficult time putting faith into religion, whether or not it be because no single thing has ever led to the death of more innocent people than religion, or for the fact that I find it hard to believe that I should follow something that was written over and over again, in a way to control the masses. In the past I have always thought of myself as more spiritual than religious, however, I think those thoughts were just my idea of creating a perception of myself for others, because now, in this time of need I am not receptive to religion or to any form of spirituality.

If Gil can steal it, so can I

I know this is random, but I just want to clear this up for people out there. There are these things called shark attacks, but in fact, there is no such thing as a shark attack.  Just hear me out and you'll realize that no one has ever witnessed a real shark attack or been victim to one.
I know you're making a weird face as you're reading this.  A shark attack is not what we see on TV and what people portray it as.

We're humans. We live on land.

Sharks live in water.

So if you're swimming in the water and a shark bites you, that's called trespassing. That is not a shark attack. A shark attack is if you're chilling at home, sitting on your couch, and a shark comes in and bites you; now that's a shark attack.   If you're chilling in the water and swimmin' around, that is called invasion of space. So I have never heard of a shark attack.

When I see on the news where it's like, "There have been 10 shark attacks," I'm like, "Hey, for real?! They're just running around? Sharks are walking now, huh!?...We live on the land, we don't live underwater."

--- courtesy of a few 

I drink you up
For every drop of you is sacred
Every drop I drink you up
You fill my cup
The way you laugh
Eyes of a angel
Lean on me, you fill me up
You make me love
So unconditionally generous
To me you give me love
And break my heart
Slip, you fall, I pick you up and dust you off
You break my heart
Take all you want
For what is mine is yours
No better use is there for what I've got
Take all you want
And only hope can I, you won't deny
Your love for me, my love
No, don't cry, if it's too high
I lift you up, we'll make it, make it
When I was oh so tired
You come along to wake me, wake me
Time and time, again and again
With a smile you save me...

dm

I've decided to take this year off from watching or paying attention to the Lakers. I have no desire whatsoever to follow them. I have watched religiously for the past 11 years or so and just think it is time for me to not invest anything into that team. I have already given up television, and I am pretty sure that the last time I watched t.v. was sometimes this past June. There is an obvious reason as to why I havent watched tv in such a long time. For one, every show that I would potentially watch would instantly remind me of her, and the last thing I need is to be reminded even more of the fact that she died. I am already bombarded with daily reminders. I have taken quite a liking to this sobriety. Boredom could be a side effect of not watching television, however it is neither crippling or permanent. I definitely don't find myself bored, as I have actually realized that I do in fact know how to read, and picked up books to prove that point. It's not that I don't have the time for sports, or television but the idea of being entertained that irks me. I am not in the mood to be entertained by athletes making millions of dollars or actors being told what to say, and when to say it. I'm sure I will make my way back down the path to that special glow of the television, as it does have a magnetic power. Just not for now.

Here are a few photos I took today while meandering through the town. If you are still using dial up, and a little behind on this here "internet" you can click on the photo for a larger size.

Walking by a river I
Reach my hands to cup the sky
Run down my arms
A bitter blue
Turn to red and
The gashes grew
The river taste me I am
So much less then I have ever been
Take this my arms
Take this my eyes
That this my mouth and all this
Seems to be completely true
Liars and witches
Liars and witches
Then I leave you there crying
Liars and witches
Still many say we are open wide
But no
Liars and witches
Take and leave then we are leaving
Liars and witches
No choice but to kill one and save the other
It's ok, it's alright
Take this my arms
Take this my eyes
That this my mouth and all this
Seems to be completely true....

In case you missed the post from a while ago in which I provided a link to this, I decided I would put the video up again. What hurts, is that when I watch it, it seems like so long ago even though it's really not. It's hard to deal with the pain with losing her everywhere go, and I just wish we could still be together in sb. Before she died, we would watch this and poke fun at her for her phenomenal vocals, which she could have cared less about, as evidenced by the video.... but now I just cry when I watch it.

Had to give some love to Julie London...such a fantastic song. Check it out.

my new alarm clock : Fireworks.

So this is me at 7am watching the fireworks that had just woken me up. Anywhere else in the world,  and it would have been followed with quite a bit of yelling and would have eventually ended in fisticuffs.....but not here. This is a different sort of place. I said, "ok, i guess its time to get up, let me get some coffee and watch the show."

This is one of my favorite photos.  It was taken when we were practically living together at her sorority one summer.  I commuted back and forth from SB to work at Warner Bros., for her, and so that I could have moments such as the one in the photo.  Her smile is why I love this pictures so much.  

Stage 2 - Tour de Ali

1,2,3,4 tell me that you love me more....(such a good song, and its been in my head all day)....anyways....I have finally arrived, after waking up at 5 am eastern time, getting a free cab ride to the airport, waiting while my flight was delayed to houston, sitting in the houston airport for an hour, and then finally catching my flight to León. After that was an hour drive into SM. I can already tell why people come here to relax and remove themselves from the rest of the world. Just walking through the center of town on a saturday evening you see why this town is such a gem. Whether it be the music that is constantly being played, the families walking through the Jardin, or the great food that is everywhere, I am definitely excited to have finally arrived.  For the second time in 3 weeks, I cried as the plane took off.  I think that it is the physical act of moving and doing something that has been so difficult.  Many times I just want to sit and do nothing.  I don't know if it makes me feel closer to her, as absurd as that sounds but I guess it is that when I sit and do nothing I am so much more depressed, which in turn keeps me in the moment of her death.  Staying in that moment makes me feel closer to her, at least for now.  I don't know if that makes any sense at all.  I am trying so hard to not let this completely crush me but it is so hard.  The reality that I will never see her again, or hear her voice, or see her face is pretty much impossible to deal with.  It  is impossible to understand the finality of death until someone you love, someone who was your best friend is taken away.  The bombardment of death that we face in today's society, through media and television etc. can easily make people numb to the topic.  I spoke with a friend recently, mainly about the grieving process and he started to discuss what he knew, and I realized that he was simply going off what he learned in school, as he called it "intro to psych."  He called it "basic psychology."  That is when I realized that he had absolutely no fucking clue what he was talking about.  I know many people go through what I am dealing with now, but on the same note, I have difficulty with the notion that so many people get through the depth of pain that I feel now.  I fear that it will worsen.  I think this blog entry is a perfect example of my ability to cope right now.  I simply can not take my mind off of her for more than a minute or two during the day.  At night she is all I think about but during the day I will be doing just fine and out of nowhere I will just break down and 10 minutes later my shirt will be drenched with my tears.  I say that I fear that it will worsen because I am still in the state of disbelief.  I am still not accepting that she died.  I don't know if that will help me, once I am able to accept that, or make it worse.  For now, I am here in San Miguel, trying to make the best of my opportunity and balance the seemingly impossible  task of moving on in a world that she is not a part of anymore.

at JFK

Just sitting here waiting to board my plane to san Miguel. I don't know if I'm finally realizing and attempting to comprehend what happened or if I'm sad because I'm leaving NY but I'm an definitely super emotional right now. I hate seeing other people holding hands with someone else or sitting and laughing. Being in NY was great and it was so nice to have some time with my brother, something that we haven't had in quite a while. It was also difficult though, because Melissa and I had talked about me coming out here for her bday while she was gonna be here for a wedding. Just the thought that I could have been here 2 months ago with her leads my mind into a rapid progression of thoughts which ultimately makes me upset and crying. On a side note, my flight was just delayed an hour and I'm watching someone hit their 4 year old child and treat this adorable child like he were a dog.

Of all the people I have come across in my life, and of everyone that has ever mattered to me, how is it possible that this happened to her? Not that I would wish this upon anyone, but why her? I don't know if people understand when I say that I would rather it be me than her. I would have rather me gone through the trauma for those 58 days if it meant that she would be alright.

It is beyond missing her. It is hard to explain, but it just hurts so much when my brain and body allow me to realize the severity of the situation.

So upon reading the stages of grief and mourning right now I see that I am still in the first stage. "Shock is the first stage of numbness, disbelief and unreality." Her accident was on the 29th of July and she died on September 23rd. According to this website, I have another seven stages to go through.

----

Share the time again
I spend with you
A friend is always good to have
But a lover's kiss is better than angels raining down on me
I dream of you at times when your by my side
Dream you're not just like you are
So troubled and doubling my pain
Just one more tear
I shed for you
I wish that I could climb inside your mind
And spend some time and hug and hold you
And mold you into what I'd like
But I know I can't do this
Just a kiss to spend a while by you
And your familiar smile and voice
I lay awake
Then you lean back and smiling
On you
Most everything I do for you, I say
And the while let's make our way
And feel warm
In the middle of this storm with you
Like an angel
Oh, what friends say is good is right
I say
When you were again
And you were my friend
Before this
This one
Say yes I do
And with you
Sometimes
But while I do my best
With all the rest I leave to you
Can't wait for the hour
And when two things become this
All this trouble from a kiss from you, I'll do it
And then you come up smiling
And I'm thrown
Into I get a little storm with you, I'll do it
Always
Lover, line up and yeah
The road to you is long and I've been on it for a while
And a need a warm embrace
I'll take a break
And say I want to leave you awake
Always

I feel tired...

dm

I have spent a lot of time listening to music that she loved, many songs that were in a constant rotation in the car or the apartment.  I made a playlist of some of her favorite songs. She called me one night, and asked me to come pick her up in IV. This is when we were first starting to hang out and really spend time together. She ended up staying downtown for the night, and I have to say that it would have never happened if not for the Go Find. Well, maybe it would have.  Actually, yes, it would have.  But the Go Find helped...


SeeqPod Music beta - Playable Search

everything comes in waves for me right now.  I will be fine all day long and then when I try and go to sleep, something overcomes my body and sometimes it is just so difficult. It surfaces in such painful ways.  I hate that there are things about her that I can't think of, and I struggle to remember everything about her.  There are some things that I can't remember.  It has almost been three months since her accident.  I remember the last time I spoke to her.  It was only for a few minutes, and she said she would call me when she got back from San Francisco. Seeing her have the seizure in the car, shortly before her accident, and hearing her tell me that she loved me.  Kissing her and holding her after she stopped seizing.  Hearing her say to me "don't make this any harder al, you know I love you."  Everything she said to me in that 45 minutes was exactly how she felt about me.  It was so pure. It was as if everything was already in motion, which neither of us could control.  Knowing that she made connections with people that she hadn't talked to in quite a while the day before her accident.  Hearing her tell me those things after we had gotten into arguments in the days before. I am just so confused about everything.  I still can't deal with any of this.  I can't believe it has almost been 3 months since she was found on the floor in the bathroom in SF.  All I know is that I love her.  I did when we met and it is still true today.

I went and saw The Darjeeling Limited recently and Wes Anderson's new film was not only a pleasant surprise but I am heading back this afternoon to see it a second time.  It follows the path of three brothers, who meet in India and find themselves grieving the loss of their father, all in separate and unique ways.   I found this film incredibly more enjoyable than Anderson's previous film, Life Aquatic, which felt extremely forced.  For 'Darjeeling,' however, Anderson is spot on with everything in this film.  The casting is just perfect, and the relationship between each brother is very real.  This film had the perfect amount of 'Wes Andersonness' as well as a heavy dose of reality.  At times, this very real and honest film can be depressing, while watching the three brothers experience a 'spiritual journey' through India.  The one problem I had for the film was the obvious nature that Anderson portrays the relieving of the baggage that they all carry.  Without giving away too much, I will just say that it could have been a bit more subtle.  It definitely did not ruin the movie, and I hope everyone goes to see it.  Oh, and try and check out Hotel Chevalier before you do, as it is the prologue to Darjeeling. It is only 13 minutes long, and takes place shortly before Schwartzman's character meets up with his brothers in India.  

A video of Meliss  Check it out, send it to your friends.  

I had just walked in from work, and found her studying.....with the Laker game on, waiting for me to come home.  She was so joyful and content.   I am not able to watch it just yet, but enjoy.

I have been here in NY for two weeks, and today I decided it was time to check out Central Park. I imagine you could walk and walk for days and still find new things to see. It is so enormous, it takes up nearly 6% of the entire city of Manhattan. I searched for Strawberry Fields, but without success. I could have asked for directions from plenty of folks, but that would be something a tourist would do and hey, I'm no tourist. I took a few photos for your enjoyment.




This last picture is from right outside of the park, I took it as I walked down to the subway.

Why is it that some people think that getting out into the city will make me feel better? Or that I can choose whether or not I am miserable. It is not like I just had a terrible breakup and I am searching for answers why I am no longer going to be someones boyfriend. Or that because I am particularly quiet, that in that moment, I am miserable. I wish everyone was able to understand this situation, but that would mean we all live in a perfect world and I think it is clear that this world is not perfect. It is fucking cruel and terrible. I am sorry that sometimes I am quiet, but there are many times that I have nothing to say, at least nothing of importance. That is where I am confused though, because how is there supposed to be anything more important that this? How am I ever supposed to be able to accept this as reality and move on? What happens when I put everything I had into someone, and that person becomes my life. When they are taken away, what happens to me?

All I want is to be is back to where everything made sense. Things are much to difficult this way. I can't remember the last time I felt rested, or relaxed. I have been in a constant state of movement, starting with that evening on the 30th of July, when I found out what had happened. She was supposed to call me when she got back from San Francisco, and when I didn't hear from her on sunday I simply thought that she was still on her way home and had not gotten a chance to call yet. When I got off work on monday and still had not yet heard from her I began to worry, but I never in my lifetime would have imagined this would have happened. When I finally found out what happened monday afternoon, I collapsed on the floor. A few months later, and I still haven't gotten back to my feet.

So this photo was taken the second time we hung out, at Zodos.



And this was taken on June 24th of 2007, almost a month before her accident.




I'd say that the energy in the two photos is maybe, possibly, just slightly a little different.

I just like seeing the difference between the two photos, and how much we both changed, yet how close we came together.

Feel free to make fun of my bangs too, but dont make fun of her platinum hair.....I liked it.

I have decided to stop drinking alcohol, and it is something that will probably be pretty difficult. It just doesn't help me at all, in any way. All it does is prevent me from working through this process. It is not healthy, and never has been. I am doing it for many reasons, one of which is for her. We made a promise to each other that we wouldn't drink. We both had our problems at times keeping that promise, and it ended up costing many of us an unfathomable amount of grief when it was broken a few months ago. I have to keep that promise to her, and to me, in order to be as healthy as possible. I have had too many drinks lately, with the sole purpose being the need to simply pass out without thinking of anything. I can't even remember the last drink I had, as I was already way to drunk. I am done with that, and am making that promise once again to her that I will not continue damaging myself.


Sometimes I feel like I played a part in her death. I have no idea why she was drinking that much, and it tortures me everyday to think about it.



passed; having completed the act of passing.
away; from this or that place; off: to go away.
2. aside; to another place; in another direction: to turn your eyes away; to turn away customers
3. far; apart: away back; away from the subject.
4. out of one's possession or use: to give money away.
5. out of existence or notice; into extinction: to fade away; to idle away the morning.
6. incessantly or relentlessly; repeatedly: He kept hammering away.


Please stop saying she "passed away." She didnt pass away. She died after 58 days of seizures and tremors, and after her body shut down. It was absolute agony.

Chicken Tenders Bitches

Last night was effing ridiculous. So we go to see friend and phenomenal singer sara but the true joy of the night was watching the hives. People were clowning, but i was secretly enjoying the show. Maroon 5 was pretty sweet, and put on a good show but the best part of the night was when we all ended up backstage, somewhere in the depths of msg. Free liquor, random justin bobby sightings, and chillin out with adam levine.

me: Adam, loved the show...it was awesome.
adam: thanks man, i appreciate it.
me: so.....
adam:yea.....
me: how bout the chicken tender baskets at the country mart?
adam: (laughing) best i've ever had.
me: so true.


So that was my night. and Kanye MOTHER F&*^*ing West rolled out onto the stage and started performing with maroon 5 at one point. After all of that, I ended up with some bandaid, apprently a friend of sara's. Pretty ridiculous night, waking up in an apt on the upper west side of someone who I had just met. Walking home drunk through IV is a bit different than taking the subway home drunk at 10am.

You do it for the joy it brings,
Because you're a joyful girl,
Because the world owes me nothing,
And we owe each other the world,
I do it cause it's the least I can do,
I do it cause I learned it from you,
I do it just because I want to,
Just because I want to,

Everything I do is judged,
And mostly they get it wrong but Oh well,
The bathroom mirror has not budged,
And the woman who lives there can tell The truth from the stuff that they say,
And she looks me in the eye,
And says...
Would you prefer it the easy way?
No?
Well, okay then ...
Don't cry'

I wonder if everything I do,
I do instead,
Of something I want to do more,
The question fills my head,
I know there's no grand plan here,
This is just the way it goes,
When everything else seems unclear,
I guess at least I know,
You do it for the joy it brings,
Because you'e a joyful girl,
Because the world owes me nothing,
And we owe each other the world,
I do it, it's the least I can do,
I do it, I learned it from you you
I do it, just because I want to
Just because I want to.

-Dm

So a bit about my stay so far in NY. The city is amazing, and truly one of the coolest places in the world. The only issue so far is that there are three people living in my brothers apt, and it is TINY. I have no idea what we will do once mollie gets into town. I am pretty sure that connor will let us stay at his place, because he has an extra room however Sarah Bareilles might be staying with him. She is opening this week for Maroon 5 at MSG, so I think she might get priority over me.

My favorite places to eat so far in the city. (albeit the only places I have eaten so far)

1. Rubys...on mulberry st. (the blueys sandwich is bomb...as is the shrimp and avocado salad).
2. Snack....on thompson st, is a very small greek place, with ridiculously good tsatsiki and salads.
3. Public...on elizabeth st., which apparently was a school before a chef from new zealand turned it into a posh restaurant in soho.
4. Lil Frankies, east village, super cool place for dinner and drinks.
5. Balthazar, spring st, a little higher end for soho, but apparently jack nicholson frequents this place, so I have been there several times hoping to catch a glimpse.

All in all, I have had a very fun time. We went out to brooklyn last night for a birthday party, and tonight I am going back out there to play some bball. Till next time....Peace in the middle east.

I keep waiting for the epiphany that I hope will hit me, telling me that everything in my life will be alright, and that losing her made me stronger, and all of that bullshit.... But for now I feel as if it has just burned a hole inside of me. A world without her is a world not worthy of happiness. And hearing people tell me that it will make me stronger, knowing that they have never gone through this type of pain makes me want to scream. And I refuse to take any type of anti-depressant right now. I just want to sit and feel this.

the heaviest weight upon me

I feel so heavy with this pain. I carry it with me always, for I feel like it makes me closer to her. It sounds absurd, I know.

When I walk through the city, sometimes I wonder how people are able to have such nice smiles. Then I remember when I was happy, and realize that happiness is very easy to attain. However fleeting it may be, it is something that I long for.

Too drunk and still drinking, it's just the way I feel.

We said, always and forever...such a long, and lonely time.

One more drink and I'll move on.

I am really afraid that my mind has yet to fully comprehend or attempt to grasp that she is gone. I say those words over and over yet I am still numb. Being in new york gives me an endless amount of distraction, which is ideal right now. I am either out and being distracted or I am so tired that I pass out in a flash. I just miss her so much, and the simplest little thing throws me into the deepest depth of my pain. It hurts so much.

Cat Power - How Can I Tell You

my guardian angel

just a few thoughts

The way she would imitate me when I danced, and stood.
Walking in the rain up to eat at the Italian place, and walking home together in the rain to west beach
The way she would talk with her hands
How her nostrils flared when she spoke
How she sung to songs in the car
Sharing the same sleeping bag
Going to class early at iv theatre just to see her
Running into her at the parking pay kiosk thing 2 days after we met
Going to the farmers market for avos, bell peppers, artichokes and asparagus.
The way she would eat the artichoke
Sleeping in the prius when we had no where to live.
Sleeping at the motel in carp, and the motel in sb for a few days
Sleeping on the floor in the living room at g phi
Commuting from SB to warner bros.
Hearing her knock on the door at my apt.
The way she would run down the hall so no one would see her.
Picking her up from work.
Her vaccuming her bed and cleaning like a maniac.
Watching curb and Seinfeld episodes before I had tv. At 1134
Watching her blow me a kiss and give me a peace sign when she would leave in the prius cab.
The way we would cuddle
Hearing her say “oh man…” or “oh, my god” when we would cuddle.
Hearing her say “oh man, that’s a good one” when I would shave.
Waiting for her at the transit center and seeing her on the bus looking for me.
Eating at los arroyos and reading the newspaper together.
Walking from the transit home holding hands.
Coming down the steps in paradise and seeing her sitting at the bar drinking a Shirley temple
Watching planet earth, and the lakers, and hearing her say the players names. “lamar!”
Hearing her say “this guy” and how we spoke exactly alike.
“oh my god!” increasing in pitch.
Her laugh
Hearing her call me honeypie, and it being weird when she would say ‘al’
Going out to dinner and analyzing everything.
Eating at the lower state Italian place and liking the salad.
Chicken fries.
Asparagus and prosciutto
Listening to the rain at 110 burton.
Laying in bed all day watching tv, mainly law and order.
Texting her in the bathroom at dise figuring out when she was coming in, etc.
Seeing the cab she was in drive to dise, and getting in to go to my place.
Hearing her say “red to garden”
Giving her daisies.
Knowing I could make her laugh at anytime. My dancing, or standing a certain way.
Dave at Hollywood bowl. Picnic from the farms before on the grass.
Her watering the grass and flowers on elise.
Walking to get food from lazy acres.
Her green dress and pink ugg combo.
Her juicy jeans.
The way she would say “oh my god, honeypie”
Driving up state and her saying that she was sad because she wouldn’t see it lit up again during Christmas time.
Waking up at 6:45 every morning for a quarter.
The way she would hand me her glasses at the same time she would say “goodnight I love you”
“no no no no no no no no” when one of us was tired
looking through the window at 1134 and having her come down and open the door for me.
Whistling at her to throw the key down after work. Seeing her peek out the window and toss the keys.
Telling her the Freddie Mitchell story at fatburger
Sitting at the brewhouse and eating an artichoke.
Food at cantwells, and then lunch by the pond.
Going to see jarhead with her and kaveh.
Sleeping in the car in san diego
The way she would reach for towels after she would wash her face.
Walking to class together at city college.
Sitting next to each other in speech class and talking on aim and going online
Her pink rain boots.
ALL of her jewelry. Rings and bracelets.
Her green shorts from v.secret
Her blue sweats with pink “pink” on the butt.
Seeing sarah barrielles at soho.
Watching her put on her makeup at 1134 sitting on the ground.
Her heart shaped jewelry holder.
Sitting watching I shouldn’t be alive at 110 the first time.
Coming from work and seeing her set up on my bed, watching tv and on her comp.
Sleeping on the couches in eagle rock
Sleeping up in her room, and waking up really early to go down to the couch
Laying up all night with her in “her brothers room” talking
Driving up to santa cruz with her to visit annie.
Pitching the tent in the front yard at 2309 to practice
Sitting together on the bus during the camping trip.
Sleeping in the same sleeping bag
Hearing her sing “how much is that doggy in the window” while walking back home
Driving up to sb to see her, when she was at java.
Watching the fireworks from Fordyce
Driving her home the night after she stayed with me at 525
Having brooke pick her up from iv so she could come over.
Listening to the go find that first night
Watching her try and crip walk the first night she was over
Eating at the brown pelican the day before her grad.
Going to petco with her with tea
Shopping on Melrose for her jeans, I bought her a bracelet, and then getting dinner and needed to get picked up by annie and mom.
Flat tire on the 101
Playing Frisbee in sb with her at “dead palm”
Going to the beach with her in IV
Chilling with her at mal and alex’s
Going to charlies old apt, where she lived next door to piper
Taking josh’s truck to get her mattress
Sitting in the room with her, and her being worried about the music, and her new roommates
Walking home from dt, and seeing that she was calling me, asking me to hang out….pretty sure I was walking on cota, back towards 525.
Going to dinner at giorgios.
Chin chin in brentwood
When we got into the fight driving home, and she got out and started walking to the PRISON!
the first time she had a seizure at 1134, when we were on our way to my haircut.
lighting our candles at night
when she said "ow ow ow ow ow ow" after the window closed and she couldnt lift it back up.
the way i would come back into the apt a few times before i could actually leave when i would have to go somewhere.
the way she would walk when she was cold, very briskly and with her shoulders hunched. the cutest thing ever.



i can't believe she is gone.

checking in from W's airport

So I have about one more hour to get through here at the airport here in Houston. Leaving LA this morning was really difficult. It seems as if nothing is letting up, as it just gets harder and harder with everything new that I am doing. Watching people at airports is one of my favorite pastimes. How are these people actual human beings.

The dichotomous relationship between watching the world move on while I am stuck in a place of agony and in the same moment I have been in since July 29th, and perhaps before, is such a difficult thing to comprehend. The more I feel sad and pain the closer I feel to her. It isnt that I feel guilt for attempting to move on, its that when I cry and feel sad I feel like I am still with her. I guess I just need to figure out ways to be with her without being destructive. I have been more productive today than all of the past 8 weeks combined however I think that is simply because it is out of necessity. I am leaving in less than 2 days, so packing is a must. I hope one day I will be with her again. All of this would be so much easier if I knew that to be true.

Look at that beautiful human being. Such an angel, and such a tragedy for her to be taken away from this earth. It is devastating. This isn't happening...fuck. This can't be true. There is no way this is reality. How. I can't do this. I can't deal with not seeing her or hearing her. How can I? Why is this fucking world so god damn cruel. My melissie is gone and not coming back. How do I do this??? It hurts so much.

----

I wish I was dead and she was breathing.


I don't understand anything right now. I go through times, whether it be a day, or even hours, where I am totally and completely numb and other times where I just weep. I don't want to move on from this. When I feel this pain it makes me feel closer to her and I am scared of moving on because I don't want to lose this feeling. How is any of this real? Saturday felt like the worst nightmare. The only thing I remember is carrying the casket, and then watching the casket get covered with dirt and grass.