I never said thank you or I love you enough. Thank you Meliss. Thank you for the way you would hold my hand, for the way you would laugh at me, for the way you used to say 'oh my god' everytime you would cuddle next to me. Thank you for sleeping with me in that twin bed for months and months, not even caring about the size, because you simply remarked 'well, ill just sleep on top of you, we'll be fine'. Thank you for dealing with me. Thank you for every kiss. And your laugh. Everything you did made me feel so uniquely special. I never thought I would be able to have love, and friendship as I did with you. Thank you. I can't cry hard enough now that you are gone. I never imagined that this amount of emotion would exist amongst humans. There are days that I wish I never met you. The hard days, that is. Just so I would be spared the ocean of tears that keeps pouring out of me. I refuse to let go of you. I just don't know what to grasp. I love you. I hope one day I will see you again. Yours,
al
Saturday, February 9, 2008
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Al,
Hi its Lisa .When Gary died I wanted to somehow crawl into the earth and find him and make sure he was ok.I literally wanted to die so i could see that he was ok.But of course I also was torn because I did not want to leave my kids.And even though you do not have kids there are so many people who love you and need you in there life .
I use to think that if I had just cooked his macrobiotic meals alittle more balanced maybe he would not have ended up in the hospital and died.I use to feel so responsible for his health and when he would get a cold and go off to work I would fret and pour over the books to see what I could do.Our macrobiotic teacher use to be so strict and say we could do this and we did for five years and in the end later on after Gary died I found out she also died.I was shocked.My therapist told me it was crazy to think that I could have controlled so much.It made me realize that I did not have as much control as I thought over the situation.
I do not know if any of this helps .But I hope you find peace with it all.Love Lisa
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