I just want to be happy again. It's almost been a year since she left SB, and I am amazed that I am still here today. I just sit and realize what I have endured, the strength it has taken to push forward each day, and don't know how much longer I can do it for. Everything, and I mean everything, is muted now. I thought for a while that it was the depression, but now am fearful that it may never change. That this ache will never lift, and I will forced to live with this terrible affliction until the day I die. In many ways, this is much worse than those really dark days I had to live through in the months past. At least then I could feel the intensity and the depth. Now I am just stricken with this fucking headache that wont subside. The memories that were once so vivid in my mind have faded, which just enforces the cruelty that those who are left here have to deal with everyday. I really don't know how much longer I can live without being truly happy anymore. When does this make me stronger? When will I become a better person because of this? When will I have proof that she is living with me and through me? When will I have the answer and reason for this?