Where do I even begin to start tonight? Where does my anger reside? Who should I project that anger towards? Towards meliss? Towards gretchen? Towards myself? Did I let her down? Did I not try hard enough in giving her the support she needed? How long will I feel this anger? When will I stop feeling like there was something that I could have done?

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Not that anyone actually reads any of my posts here, but I am not too sure how much I should write about what I found out about tonight. I know melissa would not have actively sought out anything that would have harmed her. I know that some people in this world are just too ignorant and too fucking stupid to know better. I only wish Melissa would have said the things she told me to her brother about others. I only wish some people never existed, as I truly believe that this would never have happened . I wish that there is not one moment in her life that gives her pleasure, or relief from that agony. I dont believe anyone feels the way I do right now. I gave every ounce of my heart and soul into making sure that she led a healthy life. We went to the gym, she took some yoga classes, and she took pride in not doing things that could potentially harm her. And in one night, everything bit of that energy and every bit of my soul that I gave to her was destroyed and expunged from existence. Its not that I feel empty right now, but its that I dont feel anything other than anger. I dont feel like I was 'punched in the stomach.' The pain that I felt for 6 weeks has now been replaced with anger that greatly outweighs anything I have ever felt in my life. Actually, I take that back. The love I felt and feel for melissa will never be supplanted by anything else. That is enduring and timeless. The feeling I got seeing her face smile at me and hearing her tell me that she loved me will never be touched. However, for now, all of that is replaced with the pain and confusion over everything going on in my head.


I just keep waiting for the next hit to come. One after another, I keep taking gun shots and keep getting up. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT????