I am home now and I never imagined how hard it would be to come back here. I haven't even gone back to Santa Barbara yet, which I am no way near ready for, but just coming back here is difficult. I wrote the previous post on the airplane, and felt pretty damn strong. Walking into my home though, and seeing her duvet on my bed, her notes on a yellow pad of paper, and then seeing her obituary. An obituary was written for Melissa. That can't be. It's just been so long since I've talked to her, it hurts so much. I knew coming home would be walking back into the fire, but this is nothing like I could ever imagine. The pain I have been trying to deal with has all come rushing back in at one time. I wrote that last night was glorious. Perhaps in that moment in time, and I am grateful for those few hours of tranquility and peace but I am now back into the depth of this torment. This does not change the fact that I am where I belong right now though. I need to be here, where my heart was broken. It feels good to sleep with her pillows and blankets. The fragrance of all of it whisks me right back on Elise Way. Right around the corner from Lazy Acres Market, where we would walk to get stuff for dinner. God I miss that. It has only been a few months, but it really has been a lifetime. The person I am now is entirely different than the one I was back then. I sit and cry over the loss of her, and I don't know if she would recognize me now. Her death defines the man that I am today. I carry it in everything I do. I am just so much different, both in how I look and how I feel. The metamorphosis began the moment I found out what happened to her and I hope there is still some of me left when it all comes to an end.