I keep making the same mistakes and it hurts so much.  Sometimes my wretched state of pain, pressure, and guilt are simply too much to bear.  I just wish it would all go away.  I have been told of the therapeutic and healing aspects of San Miguel, but I fear there will be no remedy for this sorrowful state of mind I find myself entangled in.  I embrace many options and ideas, but am too tired of it all.  It just needs to stop.  I need to stop thinking of whether or not she was conscious at all as she drowned.  I hope that the seizure she had was long enough to keep her from knowing what was happening.  I pray to any god that will listen for that to be true.  I need to stop watching videos of people having epileptic seizures.  It is torturous thing to do to myself .   I don't even want to begin to analyze it.  I feel so much different today.  I try and remember what it felt like when we were living in Santa Barbara, and I can force my mind and body to recall the way it felt.  It is so foreign to me now.