Today was pretty rough.  I thought I had moved past the stage of anger and into something completely different, but all of the anger I had inside of me prior to her death, and after still resides inside of me.  Some of it is directed towards her, but she apologized to me in my dreams a few times so I have forgiven her.  I would love to believe that she is meeting me there, and knew that something had happened and that she made a mistake that caused plenty of people pain but perhaps she doesn't know what exactly she did.  She kept apologizing, and crying, but she didn't know why she was sorry, only that she was.  I wasn't able to stay in class this morning, my mind wasn't focused on spanish, and I had to remove myself from class and come back home.  It is hard sometimes to get myself out of my meliss mode and into another.  I hope the rest of my classmates, and everyone else I have met in the academia don't find me too disinterested and aloof.  I just don't want to bring it up to anyone to explain why  I may be particularly quiet.  I am so tired today, I think I may go home and take some pills to help me fall asleep.  Sometimes I sleep for so long and wake up even more tired than when I passed out and other times I just lay in bed for hours thinking about how different life would be if not for one small decision.