I miss her so much right now it is impossible to convey the feelings that are overtaking my body.  This photo that I am posting here does it to me every time.  Every single day I look at this photo and cry.  It just pierces me into a state of agony.  I can only look at it for a few seconds before I have to close it.  Her death still does not seem real to me.  I sat and held her hand and kissed her after she died yet I still don't have the capacity to fully comprehend that she is dead.   I don't know if it will make things easier or more difficult once I am able to accept it.  She said something to me in one of my dreams about ghosts, and I have been reading a book that she read for one of her film classess in school.  The Invention of Morel.  Besides enjoying it because I kept coming across her notations and doodles after each page, I read the last 30 pages of the book, in which there is considerable discussion of ghosts, death, and lost love.  The inability to coexist physically with someone you love.  The book is about so much more, and truly a fabulous work.  I cried as I read a few passages though.  What she said to me in a few of my dreams was almost taken verbatim from some of the passages in the book.  However when I dreamt of her telling me these things I had not yet read the words in the text. It was only days later that my eyes crossed those words on the page.  One of the passages that she underlined, with a heart in the margin is, "how can I keep on living in the torment of seeming to be with Faustine when she is really so far away?  Where can i find her?" Faustine is his love, yet she exists on an entirely different plane.  There were countless things that made me think of her, and a few very specific words that I read and realized that she had already said them to me in my dreams.  The book ends with this: "To the person who reads this diary and then invents a machine that can assemble disjoined presences, I make this request: Find Faustine and me, let me enter the heaven of her consciousness.  It will be an act of piety."