I have thought quite a bit lately about Melissa's place in my life and the purpose for the time we had together. I distinctly remember telling her weeks after we met, as we talked on the phone, that I found it hard to believe that our interaction that first night we met was by chance. I told her countless times, during the initial stages of our friendship that I did not know what it was, but that we were meant to meet and to be together. The way we came together was not accidental at all. Both of us missing our train in the afternoon, only to take a later train that night. She was asked to move out of business class and into a different car, for she had only purchased a seat in coach. The fact that I remember the train just being absolutely packed with people. The night before school starts, each and every quarter for ucsb, that surfliner train is always chock full of students. I would always put a notebook and a pen on the seat next to me, as if to indicate that someone was sitting there, as not to be bothered. She sat down right behind me, and I have no idea why I decided to look back and see who it was, as I never cared about who was on the train. It was always a brisk and uneventful trip for me. But I did look back, and from that point on I was smitten with everything and anything having to do with her. It is so difficult to look back on myself saying to her that I did not know why we met, but that there was in fact a reason and that the chain of events that led us together was in fact a gift from a higher power without knowing that this was how it would all end. Is it possible that it is in fact her death that is the gift that she has given me and that is the reason why we met and spent those years together? I honestly have no clue right now, or maybe I am just not ready to accept something such as that, or put my faith in the hands of a greater power that would have led me to this point, and through this pain. I have always had a difficult time putting faith into religion, whether or not it be because no single thing has ever led to the death of more innocent people than religion, or for the fact that I find it hard to believe that I should follow something that was written over and over again, in a way to control the masses. In the past I have always thought of myself as more spiritual than religious, however, I think those thoughts were just my idea of creating a perception of myself for others, because now, in this time of need I am not receptive to religion or to any form of spirituality.