When I asked when I would talk to her next she said to me, "al, please don't make this harder...you know i love you....i'll talk to you when I think I wont cry."   She then gave me the look she always did when she was trying her hardest to hold something in and stay strong and proceeded to walk back inside her house.  I left that day, and for the next week had the worst anxiety I had ever experienced in my life.

I never heard from her....

In my moments of clarity, when looking at the entire chain of events from the time we met to the moment of her death, it occurs to me that she was protecting me.  Perhaps there was some supernatural element to her during that time. 

But then I think that it just sounds too ridiculous to say something like that, and that none of it was meant to happen, and it was just a cruel part of this world.  I have no idea. 

I struggle with these thoughts daily, and hope to one day understand the meaning in all of this. I actually hope to find any meaning whatsoever.  For now, nothing makes sense, and it is all one big mess inside of my mind.....