Stage 2 - Tour de Ali

1,2,3,4 tell me that you love me more....(such a good song, and its been in my head all day)....anyways....I have finally arrived, after waking up at 5 am eastern time, getting a free cab ride to the airport, waiting while my flight was delayed to houston, sitting in the houston airport for an hour, and then finally catching my flight to León. After that was an hour drive into SM. I can already tell why people come here to relax and remove themselves from the rest of the world. Just walking through the center of town on a saturday evening you see why this town is such a gem. Whether it be the music that is constantly being played, the families walking through the Jardin, or the great food that is everywhere, I am definitely excited to have finally arrived.  For the second time in 3 weeks, I cried as the plane took off.  I think that it is the physical act of moving and doing something that has been so difficult.  Many times I just want to sit and do nothing.  I don't know if it makes me feel closer to her, as absurd as that sounds but I guess it is that when I sit and do nothing I am so much more depressed, which in turn keeps me in the moment of her death.  Staying in that moment makes me feel closer to her, at least for now.  I don't know if that makes any sense at all.  I am trying so hard to not let this completely crush me but it is so hard.  The reality that I will never see her again, or hear her voice, or see her face is pretty much impossible to deal with.  It  is impossible to understand the finality of death until someone you love, someone who was your best friend is taken away.  The bombardment of death that we face in today's society, through media and television etc. can easily make people numb to the topic.  I spoke with a friend recently, mainly about the grieving process and he started to discuss what he knew, and I realized that he was simply going off what he learned in school, as he called it "intro to psych."  He called it "basic psychology."  That is when I realized that he had absolutely no fucking clue what he was talking about.  I know many people go through what I am dealing with now, but on the same note, I have difficulty with the notion that so many people get through the depth of pain that I feel now.  I fear that it will worsen.  I think this blog entry is a perfect example of my ability to cope right now.  I simply can not take my mind off of her for more than a minute or two during the day.  At night she is all I think about but during the day I will be doing just fine and out of nowhere I will just break down and 10 minutes later my shirt will be drenched with my tears.  I say that I fear that it will worsen because I am still in the state of disbelief.  I am still not accepting that she died.  I don't know if that will help me, once I am able to accept that, or make it worse.  For now, I am here in San Miguel, trying to make the best of my opportunity and balance the seemingly impossible  task of moving on in a world that she is not a part of anymore.